Win or Lose?

Some days you can't win for losing.

Things are going good, and then out of no where, something slaps you in the face.

My thoughts? You pick and choose your battles. Some things just aren't worth the fight.

I've made the decisions I made... and I did so for MYSELF. I'm at a selfish stage in my life. I have finally started taking control, and not in it just to please everyone else. That's a miserable life.

I've been there, and done that. I've smiled and pretended it's all ok... just so EVERYONE else was happy.

I'm tired of being attacked. I'm tired of having to explain myself.

I don't need to be drug down anymore.

I'm me, I'm just who I am. You can't change me. If you don't like that-- I'm not going to apologize, because I won't apologize for the way God made me.

Yes, I have made mistakes. Yes, I've done stupid things and said things I shouldn't have. I'm human-- I make mistakes. But realize that everything I do that doesn't make YOU happy, isn't necessarily a mistake. It isn't necessarily to make you mad. It's because I am living MY life. I'm doing what I need to do. Take it or leave it.

I'm annoyed. I'm frustrated. I'm trying to get my life on track, and it seems like there are things and people trying to hold me back. But it won't. I'm determined.

Ready, Set... Jump

Risks...

It's a scary thing: taking risks. You don't know what the end result will be. And as humans, we're a bit selfish and have to look out for number one.

What are we so afraid of?

Failure?
Unhappiness?
Insecurity?
The unknown?

What if something REALLY great happened instead? You'll never know if you don't take a risk.

I've had a lot of time to think about life and love. And I'm honestly tired of settling for security... for what I know. I want to take a few risks and live my life to the fullest.

I would rather be able to sit back at the end of the day and say... I gave it everything I had.

If it turns out badly-- while at the time it may seem terrible, in the end, it will only make me a stronger person.

But what if it turns out wonderful? I would never know if I didn't take that risk.

I'm tired of holding on to things of the past. There were things in my past that I have held on to, but I've realized how unhealthy it is for me. Instead of embracing the great future I have ahead of me... I've been dwelling in the past. In all the let downs, whether it was other people or myself. I've been hurt. And while I have been sitting around, letting it drag me down-- I won't do it anymore.

Yes, I have been hurt... pretty deeply. Part of it is because I have a big heart. Part of it was my ignorance. But most importantly-- it's because those things weren't meant to be. Those things weren't good for me. It wasn't my happy ending.

I've always had a fairy tale idea for my life. Most people think I'm naive... but in all honesty, I know life isn't about having everything and it being perfect. Have you ever watched or read a fairy tale? Did everything just fall together for their happily ever after? No. Every fairy tale has hard times... but in the end, it makes everything worthwhile.

So... I'm letting go. I'm forgiving and forgetting the things that have hurt me in the past. I'm going to start embracing the here and now.

I'm jumping in. Head first.

I'm scared. This is something completely new to me.

But I don't want to live my life with regrets. I want to live life fully, and at the end be able to say I enjoyed the heck out of life.

Let's take a risk. Let's make some memories. Let's test our strength. Let's live life to the fullest.

Live life.
Love a lot...
Laugh MORE!
Give your heart.
Stop holding back.
Live in the moment... quit dwelling in the past; quit hoping for better in the future.

Heartbreak Warfare

What makes us human?

The need for affection, attention and communication.
Without it... there's a huge thing missing, and it can break your heart.

I've realized here recently what I've been missing. It's that TRUE communication. Not just someone who is only halfway there. Not someone who just pretends to listen.

I believe it's true that sometimes, you don't realize you're missing out on something until it's shown to you.

I miss having someone who just "gets me." I miss having that person that I don't have to say anything to-- they just know.

I need support. I need affection. I need attention. I need a lot of things.

Sometimes I believe it's necessary to be selfish. And this is a time in my life that I believe I need to be. I've given a lot of myself to everyone else. I've been there for them, I've supported them. But something's been missing in my life.

I don't like to say I'm a "needy" person, but I believe we all have things in our life that we need. It's not being overly demanding... it's just something as simple as a phone call to say "Hey, how are you?" It's just the little things in life to let you know you're cared about.

Don't get me wrong, I don't NEED someone to make my life complete. I do need to learn to be more okay with just me. As is. Nothing more, nothing less. I need to acknowledge that I'm completely okay alone. And maybe then, I'll find someone to complement that.

There are so many emotions going on in my head and heart right now.

There are things that I want more than anything... but the reality is, I can't make someone change. I can't make that person into what I want them to be. It has to be in their heart as well. They have to feel it. They have to take initiative. I can't force something if it's not there.

And as bad as that breaks my heart... I know it's true.

If it's not what you want, don't hold on to it. Let it go, let it fly. Don't drag it out, because it'll only be worse in the end.

We make time for the things we want most in life. What is it that you want most? Think about it.

The people in your life might not always be here. So, take the initiative and show them that you love and appreciate them. You might just make their day.

Today's song: Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really every wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through it all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you put your weapons down
Red wine and Ambien
You're talking it again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

Truths about me.

I have a big heart... and all I want is for someone to recognize that, and appreciate it-- not take advantage of it and walk all over me like it's nothing.

I am emotional. I get hurt really easily. Maybe that's a bad thing, but that's me.

I may act tough on the outside, but there are moments when I cry... Usually I cry alone-- I don't like for anyone to see me cry.

I'm not the jealous type, usually... unless you give me a reason to be. Don't try to hide things, because the truth will come out, and it'll hurt a lot worse.

Communication is key. I can't read your thoughts... Plus, we live in a society where communication is easier than ever. Is it so hard to reply to my texts/email/call?

Sometimes I read too much into things and over-react. But, before you get mad, look at it through my eyes.

I'm not needy. I can handle things myself... thank you.


Don't lead me on. Either you're in or you're out. It's up to you. Ball's in your court. What's it going to be?

I'd rather you tell me the truth than try not to hurt my feelings.

I don't like to waste time.

I make time for the things that are most important in my life. Do you?

I have big dreams and goals for my life, and I expect you to have the same. I support you, you support me. Deal?

I am not good at expressing my feelings. It scares me. I don't like to hurt someone's feelings. This goes back to the "big heart" thing. I hate confrontation...

I am just me. I am a young woman about to embark on a great adventure in my life-- it's called, the real world. I'm graduating soon, and I'll be on my way to whereever God takes me. I know I've got some crazy, messed up emotions... but I'm working on it.

I respect you... You respect me.

A Table For One, Please.

It took absolutely EVERYTHING in me to get up the nerve to go...

To dinner alone, that is.

And no, not to a fast food place to pick up food and come back to my dorm alone. An actual restaurant where I had to get a table, have a waitress, and leave a tip.

So, what did I choose? Texas Roadhouse. Perhaps the busiest restaurant in town on a Friday night.

I pulled up to a packed out parking lot. Took a deep breath. Told myself to just drive to Taco Bell and be done with it. But NO. Little Miss Independent had to prove to herself that she could do it. So I did.

I got out of the car. Terrified. Walked through a small crowd waiting for their table. Marched my scared self up to the hostess stand.

Then the question:
"How many?"

My response:
"Just one." I waited for a weird look.

But, she didn't give it... or seem to have pity either. Thank goodness.

Then I waited. Finally my little buzzer thing went off, and the girl led me to my table. In the back of the restaurant, of course. But at least I wasn't in the corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner, right?!

No weird looks. At least none that I noticed.

The waitress came and was super nice. Then later she relized she knew me from when I worked there previously, so she actually had a conversation with me. Nice. Eased the pressure a bit.

So, I sat, drinking my sweet tea. Looking around, I notice a few people made eye contact. No one seemed to show pity, or maybe I just didn't care at that point. Then... it happened. Maybe I was just paranoid. But a young couple, on a date... kept glancing over, as if to say, "Is she really eating alone?"

Yes, I am. Can't a girl do that?

Unfortunately, to avoid too many weird looks, I appeared to be so very busy on my cellphone. But honestly, it was quite lonely having NO ONE to talk to.

Then the check came, I paid, got my To Go box... and all over again, I got this little tinge of anxiety. What's so hard about walking across the restaurant alone? I have NO idea. But I did it, and I held my head high, and no one seemed to notice.

Maybe it's all in my head anyway. Maybe I was making it into a much bigger deal than it was.

Overall-- I felt empowered. This was one step down my road to full independence. Sure, it's nice to have someone along for the ride... but I don't NEED anyone. I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people, but... for me, this was HUGE.

We're Old Enough To Know Better, Right?

One thing that I have noticed lately is how often people settle for less than they deserve. Instead of standing up for what they want and desire, they stay where it's comfortable.

I guess I've been a victim of it, as well as, been guilty of doing it too.

One area that this REALLY bothers me: In relationships.

I honestly believe that if you're in a relationship and you KNOW it's not going anywhere, it will save you both a lot of heartache to get out before there's too much attachment.

Why do we wait it out? Are we afraid of hurting the other person? I think that was my fear, but honestly, if you TRULY care about that person-- you'll do what you know, in the end, is right.

I never like to say that any relationship is a waste of time, because I truly believe that each and every relationship is for a reason, and has something to teach us. But, it's not fair for you to be in a relationship that you know is going no where. You're holding each other back from bigger and better things that are waiting out there.

I've heard talk of people staying together just because a holiday is coming up. Really? If you know the relationship is over... why continue to drag it out? Ugh, that annoys me.

It all comes down to one major thing in a relationship: communication.

You need to talk. It's the only way a relationship can survive. It's important to know what your partner is thinking and feeling.

So say what's on your mind. If it's going great-- say it. If you need to end it-- SAY IT. Don't drag it out for any reason.

Don't get me wrong, I think there are some "doubts" or questions that come up in relationships-- but I think you KNOW when something is not going to work.

Basically, what I'm saying is: Tell that person how you feel. If you like them a lot-- say it, because otherwise, they may feel like you'd rather be anywhere but in that relationship. If you know the relationship isn't working or meant to be-- end it. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

So, the song of the day... and the inspiration for this blog:

Consider Me Gone by Reba McIntire

Everytime I turn the conversation to something deeper
than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down
and when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me
You don't wanna talk about it now.
What your not sayin' is comin' in loud and clear
We're at a crossroads here.

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
If you don't get drunk, on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this,
Than I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on,
Consider me gone.

With you i've always been wide open
Like a window, or an ocean.
There is nothin' i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin'
I start thinkin' that we're lookin'
We're lookin' at goodbye
How about a strong shot of honesty?
Don't you owe that to me?

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
If you don't get drunk, on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this,
Than I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on,
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph,
Someone who used to make you laugh.

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.



Interesting song. And exactly how I think it should be.

And that's my two cents for the day!

Why?

"Why do we torture ourselves with things we want, but know we'll never truly have?"

I posted this question as my Facebook status the other day... and it seems I'm not the only one who feels this way. I had quite a few "likes" and a few comments as well.

So... It's something I've been thinking about a lot.

I know what I want (or at least what I think I want). But, some of those things I question whether I'll ever truly have them.

For example. I do want to be in love. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. I used to be so in love with the idea of being in love. But I'm working on not having that outlook. But, I think every girls wants love.

So, I think... I want this. But my question is... what if it's not that I won't ever have it, but what if it's that the time and/or person isn't right? I'm trying to jump the gun and be at THAT place where I'm just in love and on the road to my happy ending, but what if I'm supposed to be learning from this time?

Another question that freaks me out: What if he never feels the same way about me that I feel about him?

It's scary when you give so much, and you aren't sure if that person feels the same way or if they ever will.

I'm a person who puts my whole heart into something. This can sometimes be a bad thing. So I think, what if he doesn't feel the same? How am I going to react? Why can I just not care for now and just let it happen?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like a stupid girl. But I can't help it. I have a big heart... and like I said, it's not always a good thing.

I have a lot of questions. In my head. You'd probably go running and screaming in the opposite direction if you could read my mind. It's scary.

I don't want to say that I'm not "happy" or that I'm "depressed". I think my problem is: I'm impatient. I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like things should be changing. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to have to get a "big girl" job. I guess I just feel like everything should be moving right along. But sometimes it feels like it's at a stand still.

I feel like I'm going insane. But I can't turn my brain off and stop thinking all the "What ifs" and stop all the insecurity.

My life IS changing. And I think, subconsciously, it kind of freaks me out, so I'm looking for something that's secure. Something that is going to be unwaivering. I need something to hold on to. But why can't I just have enough confidence in myself? I've alway been an independent person. I CAN do this on my own. I just need to change my focus. Keep myself busy enough so that I'm not freaking myself out with all my paranoid crap.

I know in the end, I'm going to be ok. Regardless. I don't have to rush through life. I can be an independent woman, living on my own...completely on my own.

Deep breaths, and baby steps. That's where I'm at. Just taking it a little at a time.

Sorry if this blog makes NO sense. I just have all these jumbled up ideas and questions in my head right now. I had to get it out.