A Table For One, Please.

It took absolutely EVERYTHING in me to get up the nerve to go...

To dinner alone, that is.

And no, not to a fast food place to pick up food and come back to my dorm alone. An actual restaurant where I had to get a table, have a waitress, and leave a tip.

So, what did I choose? Texas Roadhouse. Perhaps the busiest restaurant in town on a Friday night.

I pulled up to a packed out parking lot. Took a deep breath. Told myself to just drive to Taco Bell and be done with it. But NO. Little Miss Independent had to prove to herself that she could do it. So I did.

I got out of the car. Terrified. Walked through a small crowd waiting for their table. Marched my scared self up to the hostess stand.

Then the question:
"How many?"

My response:
"Just one." I waited for a weird look.

But, she didn't give it... or seem to have pity either. Thank goodness.

Then I waited. Finally my little buzzer thing went off, and the girl led me to my table. In the back of the restaurant, of course. But at least I wasn't in the corner. Nobody puts baby in the corner, right?!

No weird looks. At least none that I noticed.

The waitress came and was super nice. Then later she relized she knew me from when I worked there previously, so she actually had a conversation with me. Nice. Eased the pressure a bit.

So, I sat, drinking my sweet tea. Looking around, I notice a few people made eye contact. No one seemed to show pity, or maybe I just didn't care at that point. Then... it happened. Maybe I was just paranoid. But a young couple, on a date... kept glancing over, as if to say, "Is she really eating alone?"

Yes, I am. Can't a girl do that?

Unfortunately, to avoid too many weird looks, I appeared to be so very busy on my cellphone. But honestly, it was quite lonely having NO ONE to talk to.

Then the check came, I paid, got my To Go box... and all over again, I got this little tinge of anxiety. What's so hard about walking across the restaurant alone? I have NO idea. But I did it, and I held my head high, and no one seemed to notice.

Maybe it's all in my head anyway. Maybe I was making it into a much bigger deal than it was.

Overall-- I felt empowered. This was one step down my road to full independence. Sure, it's nice to have someone along for the ride... but I don't NEED anyone. I'm capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

It may not seem like that big of a deal to some people, but... for me, this was HUGE.

We're Old Enough To Know Better, Right?

One thing that I have noticed lately is how often people settle for less than they deserve. Instead of standing up for what they want and desire, they stay where it's comfortable.

I guess I've been a victim of it, as well as, been guilty of doing it too.

One area that this REALLY bothers me: In relationships.

I honestly believe that if you're in a relationship and you KNOW it's not going anywhere, it will save you both a lot of heartache to get out before there's too much attachment.

Why do we wait it out? Are we afraid of hurting the other person? I think that was my fear, but honestly, if you TRULY care about that person-- you'll do what you know, in the end, is right.

I never like to say that any relationship is a waste of time, because I truly believe that each and every relationship is for a reason, and has something to teach us. But, it's not fair for you to be in a relationship that you know is going no where. You're holding each other back from bigger and better things that are waiting out there.

I've heard talk of people staying together just because a holiday is coming up. Really? If you know the relationship is over... why continue to drag it out? Ugh, that annoys me.

It all comes down to one major thing in a relationship: communication.

You need to talk. It's the only way a relationship can survive. It's important to know what your partner is thinking and feeling.

So say what's on your mind. If it's going great-- say it. If you need to end it-- SAY IT. Don't drag it out for any reason.

Don't get me wrong, I think there are some "doubts" or questions that come up in relationships-- but I think you KNOW when something is not going to work.

Basically, what I'm saying is: Tell that person how you feel. If you like them a lot-- say it, because otherwise, they may feel like you'd rather be anywhere but in that relationship. If you know the relationship isn't working or meant to be-- end it. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

So, the song of the day... and the inspiration for this blog:

Consider Me Gone by Reba McIntire

Everytime I turn the conversation to something deeper
than the weather I can feel you all but shuttin' down
and when I need an explanation for the silence you just tell me
You don't wanna talk about it now.
What your not sayin' is comin' in loud and clear
We're at a crossroads here.

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
If you don't get drunk, on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this,
Than I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on,
Consider me gone.

With you i've always been wide open
Like a window, or an ocean.
There is nothin' i've ever tried to hide.
So when you leave me not knowin' where you're goin'
I start thinkin' that we're lookin'
We're lookin' at goodbye
How about a strong shot of honesty?
Don't you owe that to me?

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
If you don't get drunk, on my kiss
If you think you can do better than this,
Than I guess we're done.
Let's not drag this on,
Consider me gone.

Consider me a memory.
Consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph,
Someone who used to make you laugh.

[Chorus]
If i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose
If i'm not that arrow to the heart of you.
I guess we're done, Let's not drag this on
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Consider me gone.
Just consider me gone.



Interesting song. And exactly how I think it should be.

And that's my two cents for the day!

Why?

"Why do we torture ourselves with things we want, but know we'll never truly have?"

I posted this question as my Facebook status the other day... and it seems I'm not the only one who feels this way. I had quite a few "likes" and a few comments as well.

So... It's something I've been thinking about a lot.

I know what I want (or at least what I think I want). But, some of those things I question whether I'll ever truly have them.

For example. I do want to be in love. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. I used to be so in love with the idea of being in love. But I'm working on not having that outlook. But, I think every girls wants love.

So, I think... I want this. But my question is... what if it's not that I won't ever have it, but what if it's that the time and/or person isn't right? I'm trying to jump the gun and be at THAT place where I'm just in love and on the road to my happy ending, but what if I'm supposed to be learning from this time?

Another question that freaks me out: What if he never feels the same way about me that I feel about him?

It's scary when you give so much, and you aren't sure if that person feels the same way or if they ever will.

I'm a person who puts my whole heart into something. This can sometimes be a bad thing. So I think, what if he doesn't feel the same? How am I going to react? Why can I just not care for now and just let it happen?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like a stupid girl. But I can't help it. I have a big heart... and like I said, it's not always a good thing.

I have a lot of questions. In my head. You'd probably go running and screaming in the opposite direction if you could read my mind. It's scary.

I don't want to say that I'm not "happy" or that I'm "depressed". I think my problem is: I'm impatient. I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like things should be changing. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to have to get a "big girl" job. I guess I just feel like everything should be moving right along. But sometimes it feels like it's at a stand still.

I feel like I'm going insane. But I can't turn my brain off and stop thinking all the "What ifs" and stop all the insecurity.

My life IS changing. And I think, subconsciously, it kind of freaks me out, so I'm looking for something that's secure. Something that is going to be unwaivering. I need something to hold on to. But why can't I just have enough confidence in myself? I've alway been an independent person. I CAN do this on my own. I just need to change my focus. Keep myself busy enough so that I'm not freaking myself out with all my paranoid crap.

I know in the end, I'm going to be ok. Regardless. I don't have to rush through life. I can be an independent woman, living on my own...completely on my own.

Deep breaths, and baby steps. That's where I'm at. Just taking it a little at a time.

Sorry if this blog makes NO sense. I just have all these jumbled up ideas and questions in my head right now. I had to get it out.