Why?

"Why do we torture ourselves with things we want, but know we'll never truly have?"

I posted this question as my Facebook status the other day... and it seems I'm not the only one who feels this way. I had quite a few "likes" and a few comments as well.

So... It's something I've been thinking about a lot.

I know what I want (or at least what I think I want). But, some of those things I question whether I'll ever truly have them.

For example. I do want to be in love. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. I used to be so in love with the idea of being in love. But I'm working on not having that outlook. But, I think every girls wants love.

So, I think... I want this. But my question is... what if it's not that I won't ever have it, but what if it's that the time and/or person isn't right? I'm trying to jump the gun and be at THAT place where I'm just in love and on the road to my happy ending, but what if I'm supposed to be learning from this time?

Another question that freaks me out: What if he never feels the same way about me that I feel about him?

It's scary when you give so much, and you aren't sure if that person feels the same way or if they ever will.

I'm a person who puts my whole heart into something. This can sometimes be a bad thing. So I think, what if he doesn't feel the same? How am I going to react? Why can I just not care for now and just let it happen?

Sometimes I get so frustrated with myself. I feel like a stupid girl. But I can't help it. I have a big heart... and like I said, it's not always a good thing.

I have a lot of questions. In my head. You'd probably go running and screaming in the opposite direction if you could read my mind. It's scary.

I don't want to say that I'm not "happy" or that I'm "depressed". I think my problem is: I'm impatient. I'm in a spot in my life where I feel like things should be changing. I'm graduating in May. I'm going to have to get a "big girl" job. I guess I just feel like everything should be moving right along. But sometimes it feels like it's at a stand still.

I feel like I'm going insane. But I can't turn my brain off and stop thinking all the "What ifs" and stop all the insecurity.

My life IS changing. And I think, subconsciously, it kind of freaks me out, so I'm looking for something that's secure. Something that is going to be unwaivering. I need something to hold on to. But why can't I just have enough confidence in myself? I've alway been an independent person. I CAN do this on my own. I just need to change my focus. Keep myself busy enough so that I'm not freaking myself out with all my paranoid crap.

I know in the end, I'm going to be ok. Regardless. I don't have to rush through life. I can be an independent woman, living on my own...completely on my own.

Deep breaths, and baby steps. That's where I'm at. Just taking it a little at a time.

Sorry if this blog makes NO sense. I just have all these jumbled up ideas and questions in my head right now. I had to get it out.