So... it's late (or should I say early)... and I can't sleep. I'm placing the blame on the sweet tea I drank today, seeing as I have refrained for a few weeks now. So I'm going to say it's due to caffeine overload. Whatever.
So I did a really... ridiculous thing. I was lonely. I already couldn't sleep... And those two little books were staring me dead in the face. What books? Well, the journal I kept for Adam while he was in Spain, and the picture album I gave him. They've been laying in my bedroom floor for weeks, since he returned them. Every once in a while... I'd notice them, but shrug it off. His picture, in a frame, lays on the floor right beside those two books... I've tried to avoid it, honestly.
I sat down and started to read the journal. And I cried. And cried some more. I was in love then. I knew what I wanted-- or at least what I thought I wanted. I had a great guy. He adored me... and I tried to reciprocate. Those words I wrote, weren't lies. They never were. I meant what I said. Those two years I spent with him... were great. They have not vanished, they aren't a distant memory. Those two years are a huge part of who I am. Those two years have taught me a lot about myself, about life, and about love. I grew up a lot.
For those of you who know me, I had just gotten out of a crappy relationship right before Adam and I got together. I had told myself, "Never again". Then Adam came along... and changed my world. I fell in love. I was adored. I was cared for and protected like I never thought I deserved. That means the world to me.
Now am I sorry that our relationship ended? That's tough to answer. I didn't want to hurt him--ever. It is hard because I hate that I couldn't give him what he gave me. I tried to make the whole thing right. I battled with it for a while... and just couldn't make it right. No matter how much I tried, it just wasn't right. I couldn't change what my heart decided.
I needed this. I know that. And although there are days when I feel lonely and long to be loved... I realize that this is what I need right now. I'm young. I have a lot going on. I still am not even sure who I am.
One thing I do miss? His friendship. He was one of my very best friends. But I know that he probably hates me... and that's ok. Somedays I hate myself too.
I'm making it. I am strong. I have a lot left to accomplish in my life. And nothing beats the power of a positive attitude. And... when worse comes to worse-- I'll fight, like a girl!
Fight Like A Girl
Written By: Kristy Osmunson, Bob Regan, Kelley Shepard
Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them
She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.
So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."
At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'
"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."
Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names
Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "the cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "this is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this"
I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight
Like a girl
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